Hello Glories! I hope this blog post finds you well, if not, honey lets get well. In my last post to you all, I talked about my grandmother’s passing and how I was journeying through grief. To give an update, things have gotten easier and harder all the same. My grandmother loved the holidays. The decorating, the planning of the Thanksgiving and Christmas menus, the excite behind gathering gifts, the overall camaraderie of the holidays brought her joy. Now that she isn’t physically here in the revelry, I miss her greatly. My whole family has missed her greatly, along with my uncle and cousin. What has felt like lifetimes ago has only been 10 and 3 months ago, which for me is the most shocking part of it all. And as I am typing this blog on the last day of 2023, it brings so much joy, relief, sadness, anxiety, and excitement.
Normally when we reach the holiday season, people take the time to reflect on the year and plan for the upcoming year that is on the horizon. For me, reflecting and planning have both been difficult to do. Having gone through so much in this year, it’s hard to sit down and reflect. In reflecting you must acknowledge the emotions that come with it and there have been a lot of emotions that I haven’t been wanting to feel or revisit. This mainly comes from how heavy those emotions, like grief and sadness, can feel on the heart and mind. So, in these last days of 2023, I’ve tried to make myself busy rather than sitting. Given myself only glimpses of the past year rather than looking back at it fully. And as I type this all out now, I’m realizing that this is my release. My release of every emotion, feeling, response, thought that has come in from January of 2023 till now. To the point that today, I decided to settle down and take heed to what I feel I was being led to do. I knew that starting the day out, I wanted to make sure I give honor and reverence to God. Spending time early this morning to journal and write out my prayers. Wrapping/covering my hair to show more respect in the presence of the Lord. Limit my posting and interaction on social media in an endeavor to be focused. Because today has felt holy and sacred, maybe it’s because New Year’s Eve landed on a Sunday this year. Whatever it is, I just want to know what God wants from me today and I endeavor to give it to Him. And in me doing so, laying down what the year has brought me so I can pick-up what He has for me in the coming year.
After going through so much this year, my expectation for next year has been low. I’ve had a feeling of just wanting to “fly under the radar” when it comes to life in 2024 and nothing detrimental/traumatic happen that my family and I must go through. But in my prayers to God about the new year, He reminded me of a sermon that my pastor taught two months ago. The title of the message was called “Defiant Joy”. He talked about the women with the issue of blood (Mark 5:24-34) and how despite her condition she allowed for her spirit to be excited. There was no guarantee that she could get close to Jesus, let alone talk to Him, but she had made up her mind that if she could just touch the hem of His garment. She was determined that she would be made whole. And that by her believing that this would work and allowing her heart to be excited, she had faith. That many people are reaching out to the Lord but many of them aren’t reaching out in faith. As a result, they may not be seeing the outcome that they desire. And even in that desire being strong, there still may be something deeper that we may be afraid to put our faith towards. Following the sermon, my pastor gave us “homework”. In our “homework” we had to sit down for 5 minutes and write down what we truly wanted for our lives, not just in the new year, but before 2023 closed out. After hearing this sermon, it caused me to take heed. I took out a little more than 5 minutes and I wrote down the things that I desired to see. But in the chaos that came after my grandmother’s passing a week later, I pushed that list to the side, and up until recently, dared not to look at it. I think the thought of once being expectant then being hit with the unexpected was something that caused me to shy away from those beliefs out of fear. That age old feeling of “what if” entered and it wrapped itself around my faith and began to squeeze. And for the last two months, I’ve allowed it to continue. It wasn’t until recently, that the Holy Spirit reminded me of that I had prayed/written down prior to, that began to shift my perspective. That maybe despite how agonizing this year has been, that it has still shown how God has been with me through it all. That maybe despite how I had been filled with anger and regret, it showed how God could still grant peace and solace. That maybe despite how I wanted to be as far from God as possible, that He still was just as close (if not closer) as He has always been. That maybe coming back to Him, even if it’s time and time again, still brings great things into my life.
Over these past few years, I’ve had a “take it on the chin” and “muscle through” mindset. That I couldn’t have a much of a pity party because that wasn’t going to change the disappointments that had happened. And that there was no one that was coming to “save” me, no knight in shining armor, no fairy godmother, that I was just going to have to pick up the pieces and keep going. In me doing that, I became isolated. I didn’t want to vent to people because I felt that would be futile since it wasn’t going to change the situation that I was venting about. I didn’t want to burden people with my sadness nor make them uncomfortable. And the constant thought of, “There are other people going through the same thing, if not something worse, and you think that you should get special treatment?” ran through my mind often. Here at the end of 2023, there are some things that are slowly falling into place, and I am almost at a loss of what to do. I’ve spent most of this year, and years prior, surviving. Trying my best to put one foot in front of the other to make it to the finish line and hope that nothing else would happen to knock me off course. And now that things truly are making a turn for the better, it has been difficult to be in a space to fully receive and to fully enjoy. Sadly, it’s because I’m trying to look around the corner and see what may be coming. So again, survival. My prayer for myself, and for you reading, is that we take out the time to enjoy. Enjoy the positives of right now and not be burdened with the ideas of what might happen. That we relax in the place that God has brought us to and have faith to where He may lead us to. That is my prayer for you. That is my prayer for me. That is my prayer for 2024. God, do Ya thang!
Continue to exude love and light,
E.V.W. <3
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