Hey Glories, I hope this blog post finds you well. If not, I pray that we both get well…together. In my last blog, I talked about where my mind was coming into the new year. How I almost stopped posting on Glory Talks and was encouraged to come back to something that has always been an escape for me, writing. Even through most recent events, I have found writing to be a way for me to truly get my thoughts and feeling out. So instead of taking my emotions out on others; I’m putting them on paper. Hopefully this blog post helps with it too…
Coming in to make this blog post has been tough, I didn’t want to do it. Surprisingly, being vulnerable isn’t always the easiest thing for me to do; which is weird considering my profession requires vulnerability and vulnerability is what I advocate all “up and through” this blog. But I’m here now, showing up the best way that I can and with what’s been on my heart over the past month. On February 17, my uncle went to be with the Lord. Even though he had faced many health challenges since having a stroke back in 2017, it still was heartbreaking to say goodbye. I know many people say that, “if you know where ya’ folks goin’, ain’t no need in crying.”, but tears still fall for in spite of. Then on March 17, exactly a month later, my cousin went to be with the Lord as well. I’m still in shock, still have a lot of questions, still have had several tears to fall, and still have several tears to cry.
Being vulnerable about my grief has always been a subject that I’ve struggled with, it made me feel like I wanted to people to give sympathy. And by me wanting sympathy, it made me look as though I was weak and attention-seeking. My natural response to overwhelming situations is to hide away in my shell and limit my interactions with people; which only leads to me feeling even more lonely and sad. And these days, I’m not always sure as to which way I should lean. Not to mention, my closeness with God has been affected. I haven’t as much questioned God’s realness, but questioned His will and “why?”. Why did my uncle pass so unexpectedly? Why did my cousin pass exactly a month later? Why are we going through so much grief? And I’ve yet to get an answer, and honestly, I don’t know if I’ll ever get one. Which, for someone who likes to be in the know and in control, I don’t really care for not having answers.
With all that has happened recently, I can’t help think about Job. His story starts with him being one of the wealthiest men in his area and he recognized that his abundance came from the Lord. But Job was fearful, he had children who had become wayward souls and he worried if they would ever turn to salvation. Meanwhile in the spirit realm, a bargain was struck between God and Satan about Job’s faith. The demonic overseer told God that Job would lose his faith if everything he had was gone, but the Lord had confidence in that Job wouldn’t. Soon, Job lost everything. Cattle, servants, fields, his children, and Job was left with nothing but the sack cloth he used to mourn in. His friends and wife, told him to turn his back to the Lord because he had obviously lost favor with Him. But Job maintained his faith despite his situation, and by the end of the book, had gained back everything he lost and then some. I also think about Jacob. After Jacob had acquired much, he sought out to make amends with his brother Esau. Earlier, Jacob had stolen the birthright of Esau and had been running from his brother ever since. After making the decision to reconcile, Jacob tells his servants to send word to his brother. Jacob’s servants made it half way there before turning around due to Esau and an army of 400 men coming towards camp. In preparation, Jacob sent away his wives, goods, livestock, and servants in order to protect them. He was left alone. Jacob then saw a man appear that evening and he and this man wrestled until day break. Jacob uttered the words, “I will not let you go till you bless me.”. In both stories, I see myself. I see myself in Job, after encountering great loss and fearing for what may come next. Trying to trust that God will come through despite what things look like around me. I see myself in Jacob, after wanting to do the right thing but still being encountered with opposition; being desperate to “hold on” in order to see God move. The tragedy, the desperation, the fear, the tears, all of it I have encountered over the past month. I don’t know what the remainder of 2023 is going to bring, I’m honestly scared of what may lie in waiting. But I do know that it doesn’t rain always and soon bad days will turn good. Until then, I will cry. I will mourn. I will break. I will laugh. I will love. And hopefully by the end of it, I will be healed.
Continue to exude love and light,
E.V.W. <3
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