Hello, my Glories! I hope this blog post finds you well, and if not, honey let’s get well! Last month we talked about growing in love and how we need to show love to ourselves just as much as we show love to others. Wherever you are in your own love story, I hope that you choose, not only to see the love that is around you but tap into loving yourself more. For this month’s post, I was feeling…thankful! Yes, there has been a lot of calamity and upheaval recently, but I have chosen to be thankful in spite of it. And being that November is known for Thanksgiving and giving thanks for the things that we have been blessed with, I thought about making mention of one of the biggest things I’m thankful for: FRIENDSHIP!
Friendship has been one of the biggest things I have leaned on, especially within the past year. It has made me realize that friendship is more than just talking about boys and sharing makeup tips, it’s about loyalty and having a deep understanding of one another. To quote my friend Val, “…friendship is divine in my eyes, where what you have to give and need is in tune with what another has to give. I believe that it is beautiful and should be treated as such, not abused with entitlement to that individual’s time, gifts, or information. Instead, it is honored, respected, appreciated, and admired.” And according to another friend of mine, Faren, “…a good friend is there for you with no ulterior motive.” And they are exactly right! Friendship is about being able to have equal give and take, that everything within your friendship is mutual and not solely governed by one side. And just because you may have close friends, doesn’t mean you take advantage of the closeness that you all share, that’s a starter kit for a “Joan and Toni” friendship or even an “Issa and Molly” friendship (I’ve binged watched Insecure and Girlfriends while we have been in quarantine lol). So who would want to be in a friendship where it feels as though you are giving your all to make things work but still feel as though you’re falling short because your friend isn’t putting in the same effort? I’ve been there and let me tell you, it is not fun! When instances like this arise there usually hasn’t been any effective communication nor determining the limits of said friendship, this is usually a good time to sit down and discuss boundaries.
Now when people think of boundaries, it is quickly associated with trying to keep someone out of something, but that is not always the case. I feel as though having boundaries in all relationships, platonic and romantic, allows for a sense of cohesion and peace. That, according to my friend Shaterri, “It’s very important to set boundaries in any relationship, especially boundaries that establish how you want to be treated as a person. It’s also important to let it be known when a person has crossed those set boundaries. Sometimes I feel that in friendships, we can get too comfortable with a person and allow them to be disrespectful, blaming it on ‘it’s just who they are’. No, let it be known how you want to be treated as a friend and also as a human being…”. Setting boundaries allows you to have a clear understanding of how you desire to be treated, as well as how your friend(s) may want to be treated. It also allows for you to not offend your friend(s) or that your friend(s) won’t offend you. I’ll use Shaterri and me as an example: when she and I met I had a lot of subjects that were triggering for me, especially when it came to the ideas of loss and my own mental health. Even though I wasn’t open to freely share all of these things with her at first, I also wanted it to be known that I wasn’t fragile. That she didn’t have to tiptoe on eggshells when it came to addressing me, there were just somethings that I wasn’t ready to discuss in great detail. As time went on, I gradually began to share details with her about the subjects that bothered me greatly, but she never put me in a position where I felt pressured to share. See, the boundary that was there about me talking about my fears wasn’t there because I didn’t like Shaterri and I wanted to keep her out of my life. It was there because I wanted to be sure that she was someone who I could trust with knowing that information and wouldn’t have all of my business out in the street. Overall, boundaries can serve as a way to benefit both parties, and as your friendship(s) mature, those boundaries can be altered.
Throughout the time of friendship, many things can begin to change. For me and my friend Danya, a lot has changed. We met each other when we're both missing our front teeth and still playing with Barbie and Bratz dolls, continued our friendship when we went through that weird phase called puberty, and now as two, amazing, young, black women. We have faced going to different schools, breakups, moving, but we’ve still remained. Within friendship, you have to be flexible or as Danya put it, “friendship means forming a long-lasting….relationship with someone that you can count on to be there when you need them, but still understanding that they have busy lives.” And I will tell you, our schedules are not as free as they once were when we were little. Now, we are working women that are still aspiring to further our education post-grad and having to maintain the duties to our families. But even with that, whenever we come back home, we make sure that we share some time together, even if it’s just grabbing a quick bite. I’ve also learned to not take my friends scheduling to heart, that yes it may rub me the wrong way that they aren’t able to come to a particular event for me or have a conflict, but I quickly remind myself that they show up for me in other ways. Also, just because they can’t physically be here with me all of the time, I know that hasn’t changed their love for me and our friendship.
Overall, friendships are not perfect. There will be times where you will have disagreements and annoy one another, but there will also be times where you can lean on one another. Not only to show support for one another, but to make sure that both of you are living life to the fullest! My friend Alyssa’s favorite quote is by Maya Angelou which says,"My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.". Our friendships are built for more than just to survive different hardships but to thrive in love, grace, and joy. And not only that, but friendship should also cause for you to better one another. According to Proverbs 27:17, “Iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend”. That if you have a true friend, they should be making you greater and pushing you towards your purpose. So make sure you send some extra love to your friends, even if it’s just a text to let them know how much you appreciate them. Be sure to show them the love they deserve, and I rest assured that it will be given back to you. I’ll leave you with a quote from my mother, “Find Godly people to do life with, people who are going to pour into you just as much as you pour into them.”, well mama I believe I have done just that. This blog post is dedicated to the five, amazing women who have continued to bring light into my life. Thank you.
Exude love and light,
EVW <3
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