How ya doing Glories!? I hope this blog post finds you well, and if not, honey let’s get well. In my last blog post, I went back to my roots and shared a poem that I wrote. To be honest, it’s been tough getting back into a creative flow but I’m endeavoring to push forward. I’ve come to realize that in many things I’ve done creatively, I forced it. I forced myself to discuss topics that people liked, forced myself to operate along other people’s standards/expectations, and as time went on it became tiring. Now, I’m going at my own pace and my creative flow. So even if my blog never goes “big” and I don’t get all the attention, at least I know I shared my story according to how God intended. In this month’s blog, I wanted to be an ode to me.
I originally wrote this blog back in January or February of this year. At the time, I was going through a tough breakup and there were a lot of unclear things. I was still processing everything and dealing with pain, so I decided to try to put together a post that would hopefully reflect how future me would feel:
“I recently celebrated a birthday where I turned 24 years old. To be honest, there was a point in my life where I didn’t think I’d live to see 23, let alone, 24. So to feel blessed to be here is almost an understatement, I’m thankful to God for keeping me here. I know when I turned 23 last year, it seemed like I was finally getting the life that I wanted and prayed for. And while I was trying to enjoy it, something began to creep in…fear. I became fearful of the good because I was expectant of the bad looming around the corner. With the difficult things that happened in my life before, I was fearful that if I made one wrong move all the good would be over. In my 23rd year, I tried to tie down and grab hold of everything and everyone. I felt like things had to go a particular way for “the good” to stay. But as time went on, I realized that I couldn’t hold on to everything and that I couldn’t live life out of fear. Because fear robs you of your peace, your joy, your direction, and it’ll have you unfocused and unbalanced. So after I surrendered to the Lord, life got better and things began to be more enjoyable.
As 23 pushed on, I began to find rest in what was in my life and I was looking forward to what lay ahead. But then something unexpected happened and it rocked me (almost) to my core. It felt like the very thing I had feared months prior, had come true. And a year that had seemed like a turning point, brought me to my breaking point. And I’ll be honest, I questioned God and doubted His goodness. How could He bring me such excitement but also such pain? But of course, God’s plan is bigger than what we can imagine. That in those moments, God was calling me to forgive, love, and surrender. And the crazy thing about it is, I thought that I was strong in those areas. But I soon realized that I was only strong in those areas to an extent and that I needed God’s help to strengthen those areas more. So over the remaining months of 23, I have endeavored to do just that. Now, has that all been easy? Gosh no lol. It’s a daily choice and walk, but I do know I’ll be better because of it.
My 23rd year of life was full. Full of the good and bad. Full of the happy and sad. Full of life. And I pray that my 24th year will grant me the same. That I’m not expecting the worse, but I know that it’s there and that God will see me through. That I know I can enjoy the good, because I’m worthy and deserving of it. For 24, I hope God continues to show up and show out in my life. That I’ll see His goodness and faithfulness be fulfilled and know that He has me in every situation that I may face. That blessing will overflow and His love will be shed abroad in my heart. And that I continue to talk about who God is and what He’s done in my life, that I live up to what someone very special to me said, “that it seems like my soul is on fire when I talk about God”… I pray that that fire continues to burn. That I continue to live my life on bended knees, being fully surrendered to what the Lord’s plan is for my life. And that I continue to give myself grace and patience as I become the woman that God has called me to be. Happy 24th to me.”
Now wasn’t all that beautiful? But does all that fully reflect where I’m at now? Heck no lol. At the time, I was trying to elegantly paint my struggle. In actuality, ya girl was down bad like bad bad. And yes, I can admit that I have made great strides in my healing from that breakup, but there are still parts of me that are still hurting. There are still parts of me that are still angry. There have been other life events that have happened that have difficult to face. BUT! There have been great things that have happened too! There have been great opportunities and experiences that have filled my heart on joy, rather than pain. There have been wins. There have been losses. I’ve fallen deeper in love with Jesus. I’ve also been mad at Jesus too. I’ve been on the mountain top, as well as the valley. Life has been life-ing and I just pray to God I continue to push through.
So to 24, baby girl please come in here with some sense and some peace. Open me up to new, help me heal from the old, and allow for me to walk in purpose. Show me new interests and strengths I didn’t know was there, help me to grow in my vulnerability with self and the Lord, allow for my heart to be open to love again. Allow for a more confident Liz to manifest, reveal the newness of God in me, help me to exhibit the fruits of the Spirit through God’s word. Overall, 24 be kind to me. Happy 24th birthday, E.
Continue to exude love and light,
E.V. Winder <3
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