Hey Glories! I hope this blog post finds you well, if not, let’s get well. In my last post I talked about mothers, my mother and grandmother, and walking through my grief. At times, it has been easier for me to type/write my emotions down instead of expressing them to the people that I care about. For that, I am extremely sorry. I have allowed my fear and pride to hinder me from expressing my true feelings. Which is kind of messed up considering that the people in my circle truly have my best interest at heart.
I have been really emotional lately. Could be hormones, could be surpressed emotions, could be both. Whichever one it is, I know that I have been my biggest critic even before that heartbreaking day of October 10, 2023. I positioned myself as the “strong one” from the beginning and ensuring that I showed up for everyone else. Taking on tasks, piling up commitments, and burdening myself in responsibilities that I thought was necessary. All the while, carrying the weights of past criticisms in order to prove people wrong. I have hid behind the phrase, “I’m fine.” and “Everything is okay.”, when in fact everything has not been fine nor okay. I’ve struggled to admit that I am still grieving because in my mind no one finds “Sad Liz” attractive nor fun to be around. “Sad Liz” comes with tears, a need for reassurance and emotion support, and much more. Who would want to be burdened with that? So what happens? “Happy Liz” must be center-stage. “Happy Liz” must be on display at all times because that is the version of me that people truly love and enjoy being around. And if “Sad Liz” shows up? I have to hide her. Cry to myself and self-soothe. Shut everyone else. “Sad Liz” suffers in the silence while “Happy Liz” gets the attention. And “Sad Liz” has had enough of being hidden.
It takes guts to be vulnerable enough to admit that you aren’t okay. But man does it hurt the ego and pride. Saying that phrase feels like admitting defeat. Admitting weakeness at the highest level. But I do know that on the other side of it is healing. On the other side of it, it brings the support that’s needed. No one can do life alone whether we want to admit that or not. We need each other something fiercely and that only comes through surrender. So this is me surrendering, this is me asking for help, this is me asking for forgiveness, this is me asking for prayer, this is me asking for love, and this is me asking for grace.
I know the things I feel will get better. I also know that I have to be patient with myself till I get there. I will get there and you will too. If you’re walking through grief, just know you’re not alone. We’re choosing to get up and walk forward towards better days. And on the days where we don’t do so great, tomorrow is always there for us to try again.
Continue to exude love and light,
E.V.W. <3
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