Hello, my Glories! I hope this blog post finds you well, and if not, honey let’s get well. In the spirit of thanksgiving and gratefulness, we discussed friendship last month. I shared, along with friend’s, views on friendship and how a healthy friendship should work. I hope that by reading last month’s post you allow yourself, to not only address the areas within your friendship(s) but be able to strengthen the bond that you have with the people closest to you. For this month’s blog, I wanted to give a recap of the year through my eyes. Now, I know what you are thinking, “Liz I don’t know why you want to recap 2020, we were in a pandemic, many people died, we saw an extreme economic decline, experienced the strangest election cycle, and that’s just the highlights!”, but despite the chaos, there was some good that came out of 2020 and hopefully this post allows for you to see the same in your own life.
Through my first blog post, I talked about my healing journey. I went into detail about all the things that plagued me, but by the grace of God, I was able to overcome that and get to a stable place. What I didn’t share was that I faced new obstacles even in my recovery to stability and how 2020 was the year that I worked to gain it back. I read a fellow blogger’s writings awhile back and she made mention of setting fires. No, I’m not talking about committing arson but that we set fires to situations that we want God to see and help us with even if we don’t realize it. For me, that was what all of 2019 was like. I found myself setting a fire, even though I didn’t realize it, to the things I wanted God to help me with. I set fire to my academic standing, I set fire to my friendships, I set fire to my mental health, I set fire to my family dynamic, I set fire to my longing for romantic companionship, that by the time I looked around my whole life was ablaze. I didn’t know what to do, some of the main people that I thought would help me put it out weren’t there, and it felt like the flames were too big for anyone to try to come in. But aren’t we thankful for God’s grace? And that when I thought that the flames of depression, shame, anxiety, and despair were going to overtake me, God stepped in. Not only did He step in, but He sent people into my life to help me tame the flames and by the end of 2019/beginning of 2020 the fires had ceased. I was so thankful that I could leap for joy, but as the smoke cleared, I saw ash. I saw the situations that had been burned due to the flames, the opportunities I missed out on, the relationships I lost, and even the people I had hurt. So I found myself in another moment crying out to God for help because I didn’t know how anything could be better when there were only ashes and cinders. Even though I had no clue what to do or how to rebuild everything, I did know I didn’t want to go back to how things were. I didn’t want to deal with the flames of old nor did I want to develop charcoal, have the hurt areas of my life be hardened by bitterness and strife. But as the year pushed on and we all faced the surprise of the decade, a pandemic, it granted me time for a lot of reflection, healing, and growth.
Having to look at your “not so pretty” places is not fun. It’s easy to point out the flaws/issues that others have, but it can be extremely difficult when you have to point out your own. Throughout this year I found parts of myself that I thought were healed but I really had put in a temporary solution to solve it or I didn’t want to acknowledge that it had been broken in the first place. When I finally got past my ego and allowed God to show me things, I was shocked and devastated. In one instance, I went a whole 24 hours without any sleep. I was too upset at myself, the past situation, and the person involved to eat or sleep. It was as if I never allowed myself to grieve the situation when it first happened that when I finally did allow myself to feel, I felt everything. I went on an angry tirade, I cried, I asked God why, I fussed, and (against all my Christian home training) I cussed. But with all that aside I was grateful that God was still there for me in the midst of me being a hot mess and that He gave me parents and friends that would be there for me with no judgment. Once that happened, I felt like I was finally free! I felt like I had the tools to start building things back and look to what was ahead. A lot of the things that I had once desired, I no longer did. All of the things that used to try to bring me shame or guilt no longer had that power. I literally felt myself shifting into a better person, with a better perspective, and better understanding. And even though there were improvements being made, I still saw the areas that were lacking. That even though I had graduated and received my certification, I was still unemployed. Even though I desired to further my education by getting either my doctorate or masters, I still didn’t know what I wanted to do. Even though I let go of the baggage of old relationships and “situationships”, I still didn’t have a boyfriend. That even though I had allowed God into my life to rectify various situations, I still wasn’t where I wanted to be. I began to feel like I did all this healing and rebuilding for nothing. But once again, God proved and continues to prove me wrong.
I will be the first to say that my life doesn’t look remotely like how I thought it would be post-grad. That despite the growth, there has been struggling and turbulence. I faced health scares with my family and myself, wondering if I will ever move out of my parent’s house (I love Sammy and Filista dearly but the baby girl wants to spread her wings), and the longest time of unemployment that I have ever experienced. Then, I saw other people who I had graduated with and even my friends move on in their lives. Saw that they were getting into graduate programs, having jobs that went along with their degree perfectly, getting into a relationship, and getting married, and I felt so behind. Still do at times. But one thing God continued to tell me was to be patient, that good thing takes time, and that I can’t compare my race to someone else’s. 2 Corinthians 10:12 states, “For we dare not class ourselves or compare ourselves with those who commend themselves. But they, measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise.”, than me trying to compare myself to others was and is foolish. That I won’t see anything that God is trying to show me if I am too busy looking to see what someone else is doing, that I needed to be patient in what God was preparing me for and building up in my life. That even with all of the “ash” in my life that was left by the past blaze, it could still be built back up to make something new, how do y'all think Glory Talks came to be?! I guess what I’m trying to say is that it may seem like God can’t use you, that there’s too much in your life that has been “set afire” for God to be able to extinguish but I’m here to tell you you’re wrong. God can, “bestow…a crown of beauty for ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.” (Isaiah 61:3), you just have to believe that He can and ask Him for His help. You will be so glad you did.
Exude love and light,
EVW<3
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