Hello my Glories! I hope that this blog post finds you well, and if it doesn’t, well honey let’s get well. I know my first post gave y'all some insight on who I am and where I'm from, now I want to dive into something a bit more meaningful. Let’s talk about healing. Now I know this is a word that has been used loosely and may seem cliché, but I still think that it holds value. Before I go any further, I would like to give you all the definition of healing. In the dictionary, healing is classified as a noun and is described as the “process of making or becoming sound or healthy again”. In the definition one of the key things that stands out to me is the word, “process”. That when things are a process, you usually have to do some form of activity or action to get back to a healthy standpoint.
Now that we have a definition for healing, I think we can dive in a little deeper now. And by deeper, I mean me sharing parts of my own healing journey. For me, healing has been an ongoing process that is leading me towards being sound and healthy, and let me go ahead and say that it has not been easy. I like to think that my healing journey began right on the cusp of my sophomore year of college. At the time, there were many past hurts that were weighing me down spiritually and emotionally that I had not let go of. Past friendships that ended (some of them on not-so-good terms), family members who had gone home to be with the Lord (my cousin, who was the same age as me, had passed unexpectedly earlier that year), my grades had dropped tremendously, I didn’t have many friends at that point, my boyfriend of two years broke-up with me unexpectedly, and one of my uncles became very sick. Overall, I was a mess y’all and I was trying my best not to show it. But I was broken and beaten in places that I thought I had the power to heal on my own. I busied myself with summer classes and observation hours, joined different organizations to get involved and serve on their executive boards, and tried to date again (which with my awkwardness and brokenness mixing together, it was very short-lived lol) and it all was to no avail. Finally, a week or so before I was scheduled to move back on campus for the fall, I broke. I remember being in the middle of the family room here in my house weeping in my mother’s arms while my aunt told me over and over again, “Tori, baby, you have to let all that pain go. All that heartbreak, anger, guilt, you have to let it go.”, and I did. Years-worth of guilt, shame, heartbreak, and pain were all let go of in that moment. As my sophomore year went on, I began to try to heal the areas within myself that were broken. But when it got to the point where I had to begin to dig deep, I stopped. I began to busy myself again with other things to avoid having to dive deeper into myself, which resulted in me being extremely exhausted. By the time my junior year came around, I was worn out and honestly in even worse shape than the year prior.
As I entered my senior year, I was miserable. Daily tasks began to feel like such a burden, and I dreaded to have to interact with people because I knew they were going to ask me, “Liz, what’s wrong?”. I tried my best to put up a front, to make it seem like everything within myself was fine. God seemed like a distant friend and my healing? I began to think that it was to no avail, until one day I decided to change that. It was a typical day in class, my professor was teaching us the protocols for documentation when I began to become extremely anxious. It began to be overwhelming and I pleaded with myself and God that I could keep my composure and NOT have a panic attack in class. After what seemed like forever, class was dismissed, and I quickly left out the room. I was about to make the trek back to my dorm room when I stopped. Something within me, the Holy Spirit, God, my conscious, told me “Liz we can’t do this anymore. We need help. We NEED to heal. We can’t continue to live like this.”. And after hearing that I turned and went to the counseling center on campus and began therapy sessions shortly thereafter. I remember how I felt after my last session and how it was as if God was telling me, “I’m glad you’re back, let’s heal you baby girl.”.
Don’t get it twisted, I still struggle within this healing process. Not everything is cute posts on Instagram and nice affirmations posted on my mirror, sometimes its crying your eyes out because you have to let something go that you had been holding onto or angry at the fact that you thought you were over something but finding out it still triggers you. But day-by-day I choose to continue because I know it’s worth it. But somehow through this whole thing I realized how limited I allowed myself to be. I began to think that I couldn’t take on new endeavors because I wasn’t ready, thought that dating again wouldn’t be wise because who would want to be with someone who had been through so much, and even didn’t communicate with my friends fully because I felt like they didn’t want to hear my sob story over and over again. Even within that, I was wrong. That even though I’m healing, I am still worthy of receiving opportunities that will propel me professionally and creatively. Even though I’m healing, I am still worthy of love and the right man will not be afraid of my past. Even though I’m healing, my friends will be willing to be there for me no matter what. That just because I’m healing, doesn’t mean I have to confine myself to a box. I have the power to grow and seek after all that I desire within the pace/time that God has designed. Overall, I’m healing and I am worthy. Period. And even though you may be within the process of healing, you are still worthy of all the greatness that God has instore for you. Also, there is no time limit for your healing. Take out as much time there is for you to grow, make adjustments along the way, set boundaries that need to be set, and demolish any constructs that may be holding you back. I’m not saying that it will be easy, but it will be worth it in the end. Be patient with yourself, continue to love yourself, and baby girl continue to heal.
Exude love and light,
EVW <3
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