Hey Glories! I hope this blog post finds you well, and if not, let’s get well. In my last post I talked about how I was endeavoring to come back to Christ after being so angry at Him a good portion of this year. I had started back being more present in church, spending time in His presence, and have my “quiet time” with scripture and various sermons. I feel as though God knew that the latter part of this year I was going to need Him and need Him close. On October 10, 2023, just before day break, my beloved grandmother went to be with the Father.
It still feels weird to speak of my grandmother in past tense instead of present tense, seeing her belongings and not her, feeling like she’s close but not. Walking through grief for the third time this year wasn’t on my 2023 bingo card. But somehow, by the grace of God, I’m still here taking it one day at a time. Praying that the Lord continues to keep my mind so I don’t lose it. Praying that the Lord allows me to be vulnerable with the right people that won’t abuse it. Praying every day for things to be better.
I’m making it through the best way I can. I have my moments of sadness, anger, and joy. I believe that’ll be the norm for a little while as things progress. I will say I’ve been closed off, compartmentalized my emotions into areas that way I don’t have to feel them all at once. To me, falling apart isn’t what is needed for me right now. I have to remain strong for my mother being that her mom (my grandmother) has passed and she is still understanding and navigating what that feels/looks like, I have to help with things that my grandmother left behind that way the weight of it isn’t just on my mom and her siblings, I have to continue to be a recreational therapist and be present at my job, I have bills to pay hence being present at work, that overall it’s my responsibility to not fall apart when there’s a lot banking on me. At least this is how I’ve felt across these past few weeks, afraid to fall apart because who or what will be there to put me back together?
Being vulnerable can be a paranoid experience. For me, being in a space where I could easily be hurt is not my most comfortable position to be in. I tend to wonder at times are people really praying for me like they say they are, if I am up at the wee hours of the morning will they be available to talk me down, or will they use my pain for their own personal gain and gratification? I would hope not but you can’t put much past people these days. That’s why I continue to, first and foremost trust God, but to trust that the people around me are here to help and not hurt. That despite the uncertainty, I’m safe to fall apart 10,000 times in order to be put back together again.
I hope that by me sharing where I’m at, where I’m truly at, helps someone else you may be walking through something similar. May the Lord continually remind us of Psalm 30:5, “weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning.”.
Continue to exude love and light,
EVW <3
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