Hey Glories! I hope this blog post finds you well, and if not, let’s get well. I know it has been a minute since you’ve heard from me, I’ve been quiet intentionally and unintentionally. This year began on a tough note. In the span of a month of one another, my uncle and cousin passed away. My uncle, due to long-term health issues, and my cousin due to suicide. Having to process grief in such a blindsided way left me speechless, angry, confused, hurt, and isolated. I didn’t want to hear sermon nor scripture. I didn’t want to sing hallelujah. I was mad at God. Mad at Jesus. Mad at the Holy Spirit. And I’ve was mad for most of this year.
Comparing your life to others will never get you far. Scrolling on social media and watching others from a distance gives you a false idea as to how one’s life may truly be. For most of this year, I thought that everyone else was living their best life and I was left with heaviness and struggle to bear. Grief will do that to you. Blind you from seeing others hurt or struggle because you’re too honed in on your own. Not checking in with friends like I probably should. Distancing from family because I felt like I was not strong enough or had enough faith. And as time went on, I strayed away further from God. Church was strictly for attendance. Serving at church was more so out of obligation rather than having the heart to put towards it. Sharing my faith became limited because I was not seeing eye-to-eye with the Father. I was stuck in the cycle that, if I’m being honest, wasn’t working to try to get out of.
Sometimes grief brings entitlement. For me, at times I felt like I could be a bit more terse and less understanding because I was the one with a dead uncle and a dead cousin. Everyone else had “everything” and I was the one with the short-end of the stick. So if I spoke out of turn, sulked off to myself, lashed out on someone I loved, I had right to do so. But ultimately I was doing more damage than good, pushing people to be at arms length instead of being close. Because if people did come close, they’d see the scars. They’d see the hurt that was hiding behind the tough front. They’d see how I was really feeling and what I was truly carrying. And for me, that was terrifying. It meant, not only facing my grief head-on, but it also meant that I couldn’t continue to isolate myself.
One thing about having a strong inner circle, they aren’t going to let you be to yourself for long. They’ll pick up the phone and call you, they’ll check-in to see how you’re feeling, they’ll treat you to a good meal. I’m thankful for my inner circle for doing life with me, especially this year. I know that there were probably times I wasn’t on my p’s and q’s, overthinking certain things, and being in an uproar of emotions; but I’m glad that they were graced for it. Graced to be alongside me for it. Graced to pray for me, even when I couldn’t pray for myself. Having a servant’s heart to the servant that lost her way and rejoicing when she began to find her way.
Over the last few days, the heaviness that was one me has began to leave. For the first time this year, I’m beginning to feel free. I’m letting go to the pains that have tried to make permanent residence in my heart and allowing for God’s love to come in. Be touched by His presence. And be reminded that He has always been…here. Right here. In the midst of me being angry with Him, in the midst of me wanting to turn away, in the midst of me wanting to wallow in my pain, He was right there waiting patiently. It brings me to tears just to type about His faithfulness to me in-spite of my stubbornness. Healing me, truly, from the inside-out. I pray that He continues to show me that He’s here for me.
Going through this life is tough. There’s a lot of recklessness, evil, and corruption that walks along this earth. But there is redemption, there is salvation, and there is hope as well. One thing my pastor said recently was that, if you constantly focus on the negative things in life, you will never see the good. You will never hope for the future. But if your focus shifts towards the good, towards the blessings, towards the growth, towards the healing, then you will see how good everything truly is. Life, no matter what cards we are dealt, is truly what we make of it. You have the decision to look at the good or to dwell on the bad, after that the life/body will follow. So what will you choose? My prayer is that you choose well.
If you made it to the end of this update, testimony, sermon, blog then I appreciate you. I’ve been gone for way too long, but baby I’m back.
Continue to exude love and light,
EVW <3
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