Hey Glories! I hope this blog post finds you well, if not, let’s get well. We are almost halfway through the year already, that’s wild! 2024 has brought about some major changes, great triumphs, and a lot of reflection. And on this Mother’s Day, it feels like it’s a culmination of all that and more.
It’s been 7 months since my grandmother passed and this is my first Mother’s Day without her being physically here. It was weird going to Hallmark to get my mom a card for today and pass up on the cards dedicated to grandmothers. Grief is a very odd thing. I don’t cry every day anymore but whenever I see something of hers or walk by her picture, my heart stops. There’s so much that I want to tell her, ask for her wisdom, listen to her share stories of her childhood, I miss her dearly. And if I stood here and said that my relationship with my mother hasn’t been affected by her absence, I’d be lying.
It’s been weird having our trio become a duo. I grew accustomed to walking into rooms as the representation of 3 generations. I boasted of my grandmother’s southern charm and wit alongside my mother’s calmer demeanor. But these days, I’ve allowed distance between me and the second generation now that the first one is gone. All the while, trying to navigate my womanhood as best as possible. Coming up with answers and making mistakes, just to brush myself off and do it all again. Wanting to bridge the gap, but scared of the outcome of having closeness. Do I measure up to be half of the woman she is? Will I be accepted for my faults and mistakes?
Not feeling like the traditional “woman of God” that many Christian ministers, podcasters, and like talk about is hard. In becoming “a woman”, there are certain traditions and beliefs that were ingrained in my girlhood that are now in question. And by my questioning, does that make me less worthy of being a vessel for Christ? When I chose to go left instead of right, did I forfeit my chance with God? Am I too far off or right on course? All these questions brew in my mind almost daily, especially since church has been a part of my life since inception. I have always found my identity in being the “church girl” and now at the age of 25 (26 in a about a week) wondering is there more to me than just scriptures memorized? Is it too early or too late for me to be attempting to push the envelope? Have I forgoed God’s promise for my life for temporary feelings?
Maybe this blog is me rambling on about grief and self-discovery. Maybe this blog will truly help someone not feel alone. Maybe this blog was to help me gather my thoughts. Either way, I hope it blesses you. I send an extra dose of love to the mothers out there, to the motherly figures, to the mothers who have lost, to those who have lost mothers, to those who have strained connections to their mothers, and to those who have closeness to their mothers. May we all navigate through this day, and every day, with peace and love.
Continue to exude love and light,
E.V.W <3
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